So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
is this the sara with the beer cane?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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