he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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