so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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