eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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