We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
