Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
