He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
