Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We just shotgunned beers for America
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
