Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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