I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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