mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
