I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
