i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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