i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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