I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
