My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize