take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
