He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
