you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
