Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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