Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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