I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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