Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
