did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
