I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
