Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
