I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
