My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the raccoons are back...
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