i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
