using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
