Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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