It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
