There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
