I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my poor anus
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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