her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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