she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cannot find my penis.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
