If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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