apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize