i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
