My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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