I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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