I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
from now on my penis is your penis
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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