Where is the hickey?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
