Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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