do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
