if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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