Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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