please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
