oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
