I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
