I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
