Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
