I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
