Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
not ubering you a puppy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize