she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
