and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
