You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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