You're my little dorito
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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