The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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