i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
